Skip to main content

Control Issues

My husband reminded me over the weekend of one of my many struggles, my need to control. Some say that is part of my ADHD, others say it is the result of my mother's cancer. One thing I know for sure is that I have always been controlling. When I was little, I used to ask my parents to play games with me. However, before we started, I would give them exact instructions on how to play and remember every detail of my "script." As I grew older, it was hard to make friends because they weren't as agreeing as my mom and dad.

Being an only child did not help my control issues and when my mom began her battle with Ovarian Cancer, the issues only intensified. I knew girls growing up who became anorexic because food was the only thing they could control, but food never meant that much to me. Instead, I turned to the budding world of Social Media. I made several accounts on the popular platform MySpace because I could never get an account to look just right. I pretended to be people I wasn't and I pretended to have a life I didn't. But nothing helped. I met people I shouldn't have and engaged in conversations I should have left. But my experience on the internet taught me so much and I am thankful I never put myself in physical danger.

Today, I try to ignore my desire to control, which only leads to stress. Of course as you know by now, the more I stress, the more my IBS flares. So it never ends well for me. Speaking of IBS, my stomach still hurts and food is hard to consume. But, I am better than yesterday so we might be on to something.

What I ate today:

Breakfast - pancakes (no honey)
Morning Snack - one boiled egg, cherries, and strawberries
Lunch - leftover Seafood Paella
Afternoon Snack - boiled egg
Dinner - Chix Patties and rice

Today is Monday, AKA the August incentive day. Since we didn't go snorkeling this weekend, I ordered the complete collection of the Hogwarts Library from Amazon in the new hardcover editions. I am a complete nerd but July and August always remind me of Harry Potter.

For my 21st birthday, I wanted a Harry Potter themed party but my dad convinced me it would be childish and silly. I think I have always regretted not doing it. A I-Got-My-Hogwarts-Letter-10-Years-Late party with house themed drinks and decorations and sorting and... Well, instead I had a Tiaras and Ties theme that wasn't that cute. My friends and I didn't paint the town with my 21st birthday sign. Instead, I took my parents and my now husband to Harry Potter World. It was my second time there, the first time being the year before on our first Harry Potter Day (see July 15th for more info). I had an amazing day and ever since, Harry Potter always comes to mind on my birthday. We have visited the Wizarding World for special occasions since and I might have to cheat on my incentive to enjoy a Butterbeer in a few weeks. But purchasing this collection of books helps me feel like I am honoring my Potter birthday a little. Maybe I can do it for my 31st? Although who has parties for their 31st?!

I try not to let regrets eat me alive. But they correlate with my control issues. Most of my regrets are the result of me not standing up for what I really wanted. For allowing someone else to dictate a situation I had fantasized and dreamed about. I have a really hard time accepting when things and events don't go the way I planned and for the larger events, I have a hard time letting them go. Sometimes I find myself repeating them in my head, comparing them to they way I wanted them to go and blaming everything involved for not helping me. But really, it was my own fault if they didn't go as planned. I should have either fought for what I wanted or been more flexible that I cannot control everything. My Harry Potter themed 21st birthday never happened. I never decorated the door like Platform 9 & 3/4, I never made Sorting Hat cupcakes, and I never hung "floating candles" ceiling of my husband's bachelor pad. And that is okay. Right? I have had other wonderful events and many more to come. I never had a tea party bridal shower, or an Instagram-worthy Bachelorette party. I never studied abroad or participated in the Disney College Program. But these never's will one day turn into incredible memories if I just left go of the past and move forward a little at a time.

Well, that sure got pretty emotional. I am sorry if you got more than you bargined for with this post, haha.

I didn't go to my normal gym class tonight because I only go to be near my husband and he wasn't feeling it. Instead we took a walk around the neighborhood. So I got some exercise!

Over and Out,
The Girl with IBS

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

What is IBS?

A few years ago, my doctor diagnosed my chronic and mysterious stomach pain as IBS. At the time, I could barely eat. I was living on the BRAT (banana, rice, applesauce, and toast) diet, losing weight rapidly, and barely sleeping. Before the diagnosis, I went through weeks without lactose, meat, soy, gluten, and other ingredients in an attempt to discover an allergy or intolerance. After several tests, we decided it was IBS and I would have to learn to manage the symptoms on my own. According to the Mayo Clinic: Irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) is a common disorder that affects the large intestine (colon). Irritable bowel syndrome commonly causes cramping, abdominal pain, bloating, gas, diarrhea, and constipation. IBS is a chronic condition that you will need to manage long term. For me, IBS means nausea, vomiting, bloating, cramping, and constipation when I eat large meals or too many No-No Foods. My No-No Foods include sweet, fried, and acidic foods. I have learned my body's ca...
Post a Comment
Read more

Paint Your Pet

Remember when I used to have weekly incentive rewards and I actually met my challenge? Yeah I remember that too... Well, one of the rewards was a Paint Your Pet class at my local studio. And today was the day! The painting class was small, only myself and two other ladies. One of them was painting her pet goat, the other was painting her puppy for her husband's birthday. They were close friends but did a wonderful job of including me in conversations. I also loved my painting instructor and we chatted a lot. During the break, we walked over the brewery and my classmates tagged along. They were hesitant at first but when their much younger acquaintance ordered, they did too. I feel like I should have received commission for them! So I sipped my glass of cider and worked on my masterpiece. The painting looks just like my beautiful kitty and I am so happy. Maddie is my princess and her portrait turned out better than I could have expected. I loved spending the afternoon learning n...
Post a Comment
Read more

Let's Just Start this Day with a Bang in the Head

Weigh-In Wednesday:  150.2 lbs So today started by getting my (rightfully but nonetheless) grumpy husband out the door for work. Next, it was weigh in time where I was greeted with a number in the 150's, again. Walked into work to see an email from a very rude coworker throwing me under the bus for her mistake. Followed by an inquiry from an upset coworker about an incident that was taken care of weeks ago. I explained everything twice and then stopped trying. The system is down and half of our server is acting up. Why I am here? Oh yeah, because I pay mortgage for a house I am not in, payments on a car I barely drive, and I have a crippling amount of student debt for a degree that have provided me with a higher position than I am currently working. If ever I needed comfort food, it was now. Here is what I ate today: Breakfast - pancakes Snack - cherries Lunch - turkey sandwich and popcorn Snack - peanut butter crackers Dinner - *cheat meal* I am just wanting all the th...
Post a Comment
Read more