The phrase "Two Steps Forward, One Step Back" currently describes how I feel about my life. I feel like every time I make a little bit of progress, something (usually my brain) takes me back, just a little. This epiphany struck me yesterday during my workout. As I punched and kicked my calories away, I glanced into the mirror and was horrified by how "thick" I looked. Naturally, that leads down a rabbit hole of comparison and self-loathing. I have never felt comfortable in my own skin. In middle and high school I used to wish I was "thicker" and would pretend to diet. I took my first steps on my university campus just under 110 pounds (5'4"). I remember this because there was a woman in front of the blood mobile asking passersby to donate. When I walked past, she simply looked me up and down and smiled.
Nearly ten years and 40 pounds later, I stood in the middle of the class wishing my stomach was flatter, my D cups would shrink, and my legs didn't resemble tree trunks. I know what you might be thinking, "this girl doesn't have IBS, she has an eating disorder." But I will stop you there. I do not have an eating disorder. I know this because my mother struggled with anorexia every day from the age of 12 until a few months before her death when cancer made her realize you could be "too thin." I grew up in the worlds of gymnastic and dance so my mom was insistent on teaching me about eating disorders. No, what I have is the same thing most of us suffer from, negative body-image.
In my head, I know everything I need to do to lose weight and change my thinking. I know it like I know I need to take vitamins every day for my deficiencies, focus on my Kegels daily to prevent complications during a future pregnancy, complete daily physical therapy exercises so my knee can heal, and put powder on my external yeast infection each morning and night. I know all of these things and yet... Let me just say I am lucky if one of them is completed weekly or even monthly. This challenge has inspired me to cut sugar and work out, however, I still say yes to free pizza in the break room and the bag of Cheetos in my "period snack stash." So, for every two steps I take toward healthy living with sugarless eating and working out, I keep taking steps back by forgoing the little things and eating unhealthy savory foods. However, every step forward does count. I just cannot forget about the steps back.
Here is what I ate today:
Breakfast: protein pancakes
Morning Snack: cherries
Lunch: Dominoes Pizza and cherries
Dinner: Greenwise frozen pizza
I know that a large cause for my current steps back is related to stress. Hopefully having you listen to my feelings will help reduce that.
Over and Out,
The Girl with IBS
Nearly ten years and 40 pounds later, I stood in the middle of the class wishing my stomach was flatter, my D cups would shrink, and my legs didn't resemble tree trunks. I know what you might be thinking, "this girl doesn't have IBS, she has an eating disorder." But I will stop you there. I do not have an eating disorder. I know this because my mother struggled with anorexia every day from the age of 12 until a few months before her death when cancer made her realize you could be "too thin." I grew up in the worlds of gymnastic and dance so my mom was insistent on teaching me about eating disorders. No, what I have is the same thing most of us suffer from, negative body-image.
In my head, I know everything I need to do to lose weight and change my thinking. I know it like I know I need to take vitamins every day for my deficiencies, focus on my Kegels daily to prevent complications during a future pregnancy, complete daily physical therapy exercises so my knee can heal, and put powder on my external yeast infection each morning and night. I know all of these things and yet... Let me just say I am lucky if one of them is completed weekly or even monthly. This challenge has inspired me to cut sugar and work out, however, I still say yes to free pizza in the break room and the bag of Cheetos in my "period snack stash." So, for every two steps I take toward healthy living with sugarless eating and working out, I keep taking steps back by forgoing the little things and eating unhealthy savory foods. However, every step forward does count. I just cannot forget about the steps back.
Here is what I ate today:
Breakfast: protein pancakes
Morning Snack: cherries
Lunch: Dominoes Pizza and cherries
Dinner: Greenwise frozen pizza
I know that a large cause for my current steps back is related to stress. Hopefully having you listen to my feelings will help reduce that.
Over and Out,
The Girl with IBS
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